It’s the afternoon, I’m bored and felt like writing. Also I watched a stink-pile of a movie last night so why not “review” it. Jurassic World; Fallen Kingdom.
The good news first. If you like movies with 1st class CG and a garbage script this is your ticket to paradise. Let’s be clear – it’s not all that unusual to see awesome CG. What is not usual is science-fiction with a coherent plot. The Jurassic World sequel was unmoored from decent story telling and had so many logical disconnects it was impossible to keep track of all of them.
The movie begins three years after the park is overrun and abandoned. Scene one: two idiots are in a submarine, in the middle of the aquarium that housed the Giant Dino fish – remember the big fishy looking reptile that ate great White Sharks like they were sardines? Story opens in the middle of night, in the middle of a raging downpour. The sub switches on so many lights, they could likely be seen from outer-space. Of course the intrepid submariners get eaten by the Giant Dino Fish – As predictable as the virgin dying first in a slasher movie.It’s 3 years later and how the giant Dino fish still alive is an unanswered plot hole that even the Giant Dino Fish could not fill — wasn’t the aquarium landlocked and Dino Fish needed to be fed like a zoo animal? Why yes, movie watchers you would be correct. Forget logic, forget story continuity, the sequel screenwriters thought they needed to created a giant gate to the open ocean so mosasaurus could munch on surfers in the next film….I guess, And frankly can anyone explain how Jurassic World science dudes found a mosquito with a mosasaurus’ DNA? Underwater Mosquitoes 70 millions years ago? Anyway…
The submariners are there to retrieve a piece of Dino bone at the bottom of said aquarium. Wait… what? Why not send a robot to do that in daytime when you can kinda see. Nah, that would make sense. Of course Dino Fish is released to the open ocean after eating the submariners, because the doors where left open…
Fast forward to a US Senate committee debating if the US government will save the Dinos from a second extinction – because the whole mythical Costa Rican island is about to explode in a volcanic eruption. Wait… what? Hold on, the park builders spent (likely hundreds of millions on a park, with an active volcano…? Oh, ok. But isn’t this island Costa Rican? Why is the US involved at all? Meh never mind….
Fast forward some more. A private army shows up to remove Dinos with military grade helicopters and a 100Million dollar cargo ship. Chris Pratt’s character and love interest Bryce Howard are betrayed and left to die. Love interest, Pratt and a irritating cuck who spends most the movie screaming like a 4 year old end up fleeing from both an erupting volcano and sprinting Dinos. They miraculously find one of those ball shaped glass vehicles in the middle the field they are running through. What are the odds -right? Unlike the theme park (it looks like it was abandoned 50 years ago) the glass sphere is pristine – not a bit of dust or dirt on it. Oh, ok. Beta Male and Love Interest end up flying over a 200 ft cliff into the ocean while strapped in the sphere. Pratt rescues them, of course. While underwater Pratt fires a 9MM handgun at the glass and those blasts cause bullet holes in the glass. Wait… what? In Jurassic World, didn’t Jimmy Fallon fire a .45 at the glass and didn’t the bullet bounce off the bullet proof glass? Yeah but, in the sequel Pratt fires a 9MM, underwater and those tiny shells penetrate bullet-proof glass. Forget that water is 800 times more dense than air and a 9MM would travel about an inch before losing all momentum. Whatever. And – ya the ship sails away undetected… by anyone. An island being destroyed is a world event. An island with the only Dinos in existence and a volcano about to envelop everything might be even more news worthy but all world governments and press are apparently taking collective naps when the bad guys remove the Dinos.
That’s the first 20 minutes.
The cargo ship (apparently) sails past the Coast Guard and all local folks and it docks in Northern California undetected at some rich dude’s enormous close-to-the-ocean estate with giant paddocks built specifically to house the Dinos. Wait, what? How did all that get built so fast? Never mind..nothing to see here.
Pratt and Love Interest are captured – but instead of killing them the bad guys put them in a cage. Are they going to feed them to the carnivores?
The rest of this awful movie is setting up the next sequel. Its awful. But it made 1.3 Billion from people willing to spend 15 clams on CG and a terrible story. It’s further evidence that all a movie needs now is stuff being blown up. Story be damned.